--'Wait a second, Honey, while I put Putin on hold'

by Michael Jahn

Those who were paying attention during Rudy Giuliani's 1994 inauguration as New York's mayor will recall his then-seven-year-old son Andrew running wild onstage, imitating his father, mugging for the cameras and stealing Dad's thunder.

If a man can't control his children, some wondered, how can he control a city?

Well, he sure can't control them now, for both Andrew and his sister Caroline appear to hate their Dad. But that's not the point.

Last month Giuliani interrupted a speech to take a cell phone call from his current wife.

If a man can't convince his wife not to call him while he's giving a presidential campaign speech, some wonder, how can he convince Iran to give up developing that Death Ray?

For once, the old standby "I told you never to call me here" makes sense.

Imagine, if you will, President Giuliani talking to the Russian President on the Hotline, when the wife calls from Rodeo Drive.

"Wait a second, Honey, while I put Putin on hold."

-- It's Candy-Christ Time Again in New York

IT’S CANDY-CHRIST TIME IN NEW YORK AGAIN
by Michael Jahn


Artist Cosimo Cavallaro's life-size chocolate Jesus is back!

The controversial work of art is scheduled be mounted at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan's Chelsea. Its title is "My Sweet Jesus." Christ is depicted as anatomically correct and bereft of loincloth. The sculpture will be on display along with chocolate sculptures of eight Catholic saints. They're dressed. Invitations to the exhibition will feature a Virgin Mary with scratch-and-sniff breasts.

Censorers please note -- this could be much worse.

Conservatives are already in protest, against not only the exhibition but its confluence with All Saints Day. Earlier this year, a similar attempt to display "My Sweet Jesus" in conjunction with Holy Week (that's the one before Easter), was killed by the resulting uproar.

If all this sounds familiar, it is. In 1989, photographer Andres Serrano exhibited "Piss Christ," a photo of a plastic crucifix in a jar of his own urine, at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. A scandal ensued

Ten years later a painting, "The Holy Virgin Mary," by British artist Chris Ofili, also exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, showed a black Mary surrounded by elephant dung and clippings of female genitals. Cementing his legend as a patron of the arts as well a fan of the First Amendment, "America's Mayor" Rudy Giuliani tried to evict the museum from the city-owned building it leased. He also sued the museum. A United States Federal Court judge ruled against him.

Shortly thereafter artist Renee Cox exhibited "Yo Mama's Last Supper," an image of the famous feast with the artist herself, nude, as Jesus. It too was shown at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and again Giuliani's critique was scathing. He threatened to cut off the museum's funding.

Ya gotta wonder how President Giuliani will show his appreciation for the arts and his respect for the First Amendment.

Safe to say that there will be no chocolate Jesus at a Washington gallery, no marzipan Mary at a Federal Court building, and as for that Jujyfruit fresco of the conservative members of the Supreme Court ...

--Marion Jones, George Bush, and Giving it Back

by Michael Jahn

Anybody else out there think it's bizarre that Marion Jones might get thrown in jail for lying to the authorities about using steroids but Bush won't get thrown in jail for lying to us about starting a war?

isn't there something basically weird that it's okay for the cops to lie to us but we can't lie to them?

And what about fleeing to evade prosecution. That's illegal too. You knock over a 7-11 and what are you supposed to do, stand there and wait for the cops to come and then tell them exactly what you did?

Why not just deputize criminals and let them arrest themselves?

Marion Jones may have to give back her gold medals. How about having George Bush give back the 2004 election?

-- O.J. Simpson Was Looking for 'the Real Cutlery'

O.J. Simpson Was Looking for 'the Real Cutlery'

by Michael Jahn

Reliable sources say that, rather than looking to retrieve such sports memorabilia as signed jerseys and helmets, when O.J. burst into a hotel room in Las Vegas he was looking for "the real cutlery."

For years after being acquited in his criminal trial but convicted in a civil trial, Simpson said he would look for "the real killers."

In fact, sources say, he was looking for the knife that he is alleged to have used in the murders of his wife and her friend that famous night in 1994. The 12-inch stiletto was missing until a week ago, when it turned up on eBay.

According to sources close to the Las Vegas police who questioned him after the robbery, Simpson believed that a sports memorabilia broker had purchased the knife and planned to sell it in Las Vegas. That turned out not to be true, as Simpson discovered. The dealer is said to have been trying to sell such other Simpson collectables as a framed photo of the Hall of Fame football star alongside FBI tough guy and reported drag queen J. Edgar Hoover.

--Hollywood Star and Rich Arab Boyfriend Die in Drunken High-Speed Crash

Hollywood Star and Rich Arab Boyfriend Die in Drunken High-Speed Crash

by Michael Jahn

If you followed the Princess Di anniversary hoopla -- and if you managed to avoid it please share your secret -- you would think that Joan of Arc, not the former Diana Spencer, was killed in that Parisian wreck.

Diana seems like she was a decent sort who suffered at the hands of a caddish husband. That makes her like every other chick-flick heroine. You know, the wife is upstairs caring for her dying mother while the husband is in the basement banging the babysitter. She began her public life as inoffensive arm candy and ended it in a flurry of noblesse oblige. That is what royals do, and noblesse oblige is better than no oblige, but she did it particularly well.

That does not, however, qualify her for canonization.

Which is exactly what's on the mind on the hordes of writers, actors, and other hacks who are living off her memory and what they would like people to believe is her memory. They want to sell books, magazines, and the commercial space within their soap opera documentaries.

Imagine what the headline might read should a beloved blonde American icon - hold on, I'm trying to think of one - okay, let's go with Jennifer Aniston, flame out while fleeing surveillance by going 80 miles an hour through a tunnel with a rich Arab she was courting after being abandoned by the caddish husband.

JEN AND RICH ARAB BOYFRIEND DIE IN DRUNKEN HIGH-SPEED CRASH

There would be no canonization. Instead, we would hear a lot of talk about blondes and rehab and she would be compared with Lindsay Lohan and the rest of that lot. Now we're hearing Di being compared with every saintly, misunderstood and eventually martyred woman in history.

And can you just IMAGINE what Fox News would say about the rich Arab boyfriend?

www.myspace.com/michaeljahn

-- Bush Would Outsource 9-1-1- Calls to India

Bush Would Outsource 9-1-1 Calls to India

by Michael Jahn

Sources within the White House have revealed that the Bush Administration is pushing a plan to outsource emergency 9-1-1 calls to India.

Right now almost the entire United States is serviced by the 9-1-1 emergency network. Most 9-1-1 called are directed to one of 6,200 Public Safety Answering Points nationwide. Those are in places like New York, Chicago, Chattanooga and Baton Rouge. If the Bush plan were approved, the calls would be answered in places like Bangalore, Mumbai, Hyderabad, and Thiruvananthapuram.

Depending on who you believe, from one-half to two-thirds of Fortune 500 companies outsource to India. Why, to thank them for ministering to spiritually bankrupt rock stars and providing staff for our convenience stores?

No, because in Portland a typical salary for a 9-1-1 call taker is $36,995. In
Thiruvananthapuram it is about 170,000 rupees - around $4000.

Okay, so ghee is cheaper in Thiruvananthapuram.

One White House insider, who wished to remain anonymous, defended the president's plan. "If the Indians can explain Windows 2000 they can manage to send a paddywagon to Hollywood and Vine," he said.

Or send a District of Columbia Mental Health Crisis Intervention Team to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

www.geocities.com/michaeljahn

-- Obama Would Invade Cambo ... Oops, Pakistan

by Michael Jahn

I hear an American President speaking to the nation:

"This is not an invasion of Pakistan. ... Our purpose is not to occupy the areas. Once enemy forces are driven out of these sanctuaries and once their military supplies are destroyed, we will withdraw.... We take this action not for the purpose of expanding the war into Pakistan but for the purpose of ending the war in Afghanistan and winning the just peace we all desire."

Actually, I was speaking not of a President but of a Presidential candidate and, in the true spirit of scurrilous journalism on everyone's minds following the purchase of the Wall Street Journal by Rupert Murdock, I changed two words.

I changed the word "Cambodia" to "Pakistan" and the word "Vietnam" to "Afghanistan." What you read up there is part of Nixon's 1970 speech announcing that we were invading Cambodia.

Which brings us, you have guessed, to Barack Obama. I applaud his plan to invade Pakistan to protect American servicemen in Afghanistan. I think we should go even further with this America-as-the-world's cop. We must, for example, invade Jamaica to end the blight of indigestion caused by jerked beef.

And India, India must be smashed and occupied -- to put an end to those outsourced computer help desks that have been confirming our suspicion that the Microsoft manuals really ARE written in Aramaic. Coming soon -- the commissioning of the Geek Squad commandos.

And Canada, Canada, PLEASE do something about Bill Shatner's waistline before we have to send in a Delta Force of pilates instructors!