--'Wait a second, Honey, while I put Putin on hold'

by Michael Jahn

Those who were paying attention during Rudy Giuliani's 1994 inauguration as New York's mayor will recall his then-seven-year-old son Andrew running wild onstage, imitating his father, mugging for the cameras and stealing Dad's thunder.

If a man can't control his children, some wondered, how can he control a city?

Well, he sure can't control them now, for both Andrew and his sister Caroline appear to hate their Dad. But that's not the point.

Last month Giuliani interrupted a speech to take a cell phone call from his current wife.

If a man can't convince his wife not to call him while he's giving a presidential campaign speech, some wonder, how can he convince Iran to give up developing that Death Ray?

For once, the old standby "I told you never to call me here" makes sense.

Imagine, if you will, President Giuliani talking to the Russian President on the Hotline, when the wife calls from Rodeo Drive.

"Wait a second, Honey, while I put Putin on hold."

-- It's Candy-Christ Time Again in New York

IT’S CANDY-CHRIST TIME IN NEW YORK AGAIN
by Michael Jahn


Artist Cosimo Cavallaro's life-size chocolate Jesus is back!

The controversial work of art is scheduled be mounted at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan's Chelsea. Its title is "My Sweet Jesus." Christ is depicted as anatomically correct and bereft of loincloth. The sculpture will be on display along with chocolate sculptures of eight Catholic saints. They're dressed. Invitations to the exhibition will feature a Virgin Mary with scratch-and-sniff breasts.

Censorers please note -- this could be much worse.

Conservatives are already in protest, against not only the exhibition but its confluence with All Saints Day. Earlier this year, a similar attempt to display "My Sweet Jesus" in conjunction with Holy Week (that's the one before Easter), was killed by the resulting uproar.

If all this sounds familiar, it is. In 1989, photographer Andres Serrano exhibited "Piss Christ," a photo of a plastic crucifix in a jar of his own urine, at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. A scandal ensued

Ten years later a painting, "The Holy Virgin Mary," by British artist Chris Ofili, also exhibited at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, showed a black Mary surrounded by elephant dung and clippings of female genitals. Cementing his legend as a patron of the arts as well a fan of the First Amendment, "America's Mayor" Rudy Giuliani tried to evict the museum from the city-owned building it leased. He also sued the museum. A United States Federal Court judge ruled against him.

Shortly thereafter artist Renee Cox exhibited "Yo Mama's Last Supper," an image of the famous feast with the artist herself, nude, as Jesus. It too was shown at the Brooklyn Museum of Art, and again Giuliani's critique was scathing. He threatened to cut off the museum's funding.

Ya gotta wonder how President Giuliani will show his appreciation for the arts and his respect for the First Amendment.

Safe to say that there will be no chocolate Jesus at a Washington gallery, no marzipan Mary at a Federal Court building, and as for that Jujyfruit fresco of the conservative members of the Supreme Court ...

--Marion Jones, George Bush, and Giving it Back

by Michael Jahn

Anybody else out there think it's bizarre that Marion Jones might get thrown in jail for lying to the authorities about using steroids but Bush won't get thrown in jail for lying to us about starting a war?

isn't there something basically weird that it's okay for the cops to lie to us but we can't lie to them?

And what about fleeing to evade prosecution. That's illegal too. You knock over a 7-11 and what are you supposed to do, stand there and wait for the cops to come and then tell them exactly what you did?

Why not just deputize criminals and let them arrest themselves?

Marion Jones may have to give back her gold medals. How about having George Bush give back the 2004 election?